I haven’t written this for a while as there has been too much going on. Ironically, I was off work for 6 weeks over the summer and thought I would have plenty of time for blogging. I even planned to step up the frequency of the blogs and was hoping to get at least 2 out per week. That didn’t happen for several reasons:
1) When I’m working I don’t have the energy to deal with much else. So I leave things like visits to friends/family/ hairdresser/doctor/dentist etc for the holidays and then find that this takes all my time instead.
2) Sometimes I just don’t feel like re-visiting my mentally ill past. I think that’s a good thing. The longer I can go without thinking about it the better really. I think if you constantly ruminate over things it stops you from moving forwards. I’ve been through it once already and that was enough. I do want to bring my story up to date though and continue to talk about various mental health issues. I think I might have made my blogging life harder by starting with events that happened back in 2009. I wanted to describe a certain period of my life but I’m very different to that now. It might be better to talk about how things are now with reference to the past. I will experiment and see. It’s been bugging me that people might read my blog and think that’s how I am now, because I’m not. This is also good, I just wasn’t expecting the process of improvement to be so swift this year.
3) I wildly overestimate the goals I can achieve in any given time. I am completely unrealistic about my energy levels and how my health problems interfere with my life. Then if I haven’t done something for a while, like my blog, I get out of the habit and feel like I can’t get back into it again.
4) My partner’s Dad died in April this year after a long battle with cancer. It’ s been a terrible, difficult time and of course it brought back everything I went through myself when my Dad passed away. I don’t want to go into a lot of detail about it, but that’s what’s been happening.
5) I’ve been struggling, REALLY struggling that I’ve put myself ‘out there’ in such an open way. I’ve spent a long time wondering if I should delete this blog. I don’t know how comfortable I am with sharing this side of myself so publicly.
Now I’ve decided to drop the goal setting and pressure I’m putting on myself. I will blog when the time feels right and when I am able to. It seemed so urgent when I first started it, but things are improving so rapidly that I’d rather people heard about that instead.